i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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