I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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