big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Randomize
