I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
