If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
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The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
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