My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
