Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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