oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
