Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I feel like death gave me a hand job
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
