We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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