Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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