On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
honey bunches of taint.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
