see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
