I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
