Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
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I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
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