as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
