fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
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