I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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