we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
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