6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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