I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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