I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Randomize
