My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
They have beer where we have blood.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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