You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
