the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
