she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
