Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Randomize
