If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
