Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Randomize