If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Randomize
