Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
