Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
