Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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