I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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