bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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