she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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