Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize