hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
