Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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