the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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