i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Randomize
