Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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