just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
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