Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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