thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
