I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Randomize
