well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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