My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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