you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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