How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
