If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
