Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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