You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
