My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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